4 Ways to Protect Yourself From Emotional Manipulation

“Anything is better than lies and deceit!”
―Leo Tolstoy

How could anyone fall for that?  How could I have been so foolish?  Why do they believe such lies?  How could we have been conned like that?

There are emotionally manipulative people of varying degrees all around us.  When we are young we like to think that we are immune to the psychological pressures that confuse, manipulate and condition other people.  We are not so gullible, are we?  But part of truly maturing as an individual involves understanding how you too are led by the environment, influenced by others, and driven by the needs you have as a human being.

Human beings can be manipulated precisely because we share innate psychological characteristics that render us ALL susceptible, to a point.  Although, like any other weakness, some people are naturally more prone to succumb, while others have higher levels of immunity to the external pressures that can make us do things we would normally never think of doing.

But assuming that we are already “immune” is naive and the surest path to being a victim of manipulation.  Let me give you a powerful example:

Emotionally Manipulated to Death

The day is November 18, 1978, and you’re in Guyana.  There you stand in the middle of Jonestown, a loyal member of Jim Jones’ cult known as “The People’s Temple”.  He commands you to drink a cup of poisonous, cyanide-laced Kool-Aid and take your own life.
What do you do?
Well of course you don’t do it, right?  Who is Jim Jones, or anyone for that matter, to tell you to end it all?  You are not a robot that can be ordered to kill yourself against your own will!  But an astounding 907 people simply followed his orders and died that fateful day.  And many of these people poisoned their children before they took their own lives.  People who wanted to live and wanted their children and spouses to live.
Why did these people do this?  Why did men and women, many college educated, allow themselves to be abused and brainwashed by this man?  Why did they agree to sell their homes and give all their possessions and money to “The People’s Temple” – an obvious cult?
Were these people of abnormally low intelligence?  Were they clinically insane?  Or was Jim Jones a highly skilled manipulator of human emotions?  Did he know exactly how to push a human being’s “buttons,” and string them along even to the extent that they would poison their own children before ending their own lives?
Either way, that was just “Jonestown”, right?  It was an isolated event.
Wrong!  “Jonestown” has happened numerous times throughout history – and it will happen again.  I bet you can think of other examples where people were willingly driven to their own demise.  It may not be “Jonestown” – it may go by a different name, but we see the same exact psychological mechanisms of manipulation in play.  Understanding these mechanisms can help immunize you not just to the grosser psychological manipulations of a wicked cult leader, but also to the more subtle psychological conditioning that we all encounter as part of everyday life.

We All Have Basic Human Needs

Jim Jones was a master of deceiving people by appearing to give them what they needed.  And this is the crucial point to grasp.  We all have innate human needs.  If your fundamental psychological needs as a human being are not being adequately met, then, unless you understand precisely what’s happening and respond appropriately, you will be motivated to latch on to any source that appears to satisfy these needs.
Some of your basic human needs include:

• The security of a safe environment in which to grow.
• A sense of autonomy and control of your life.
• A sense of self-worth earned through creative problem solving and the achievement of personal goals.
• Being part of a broader, likeminded community.
• A sense of status within social groupings (which includes feeling important or respected in some way).
• Being emotionally connected to certain people (family, friends, etc.).
• Meaning and purpose arising from being able to make a difference.

Again, if any of these basic needs are not sufficiently met in your life, you will feel inexplicably attracted to anyone or anything that promises to supply what is lacking.  The awareness that this is happening can save you an incredible amount of trouble.
Many of Jim Jones’ devotees were drawn from a pool of disgruntled people who were not leading satisfying lives or meeting their basic needs in healthy ways.  People facing uncertain times or uncertain futures, people with low self-esteem and negative self-images, and so forth.  Jones held out the promise of certainty, social acceptance, community, self-respect, purpose and feelings of security inside his “temple.”  And there must have been some really deep seeded beliefs instilled in these people, because eventually they followed Jones, like some new-age Pied Piper, into oblivion.

Universal Applicability and Susceptibility

It’s rather easy to see that if your needs are not being adequately met in a healthy way, and someone or something comes along that promises to supply all of your needs in one convenient package, then that can seem pretty irresistible.
If you disagree, think about this: On a more conventional level, consider how many people feeling neglected in a marriage have a careless affair with someone because it was “so nice to be listened to, flattered, romanced, etc.”  The very same unconscious propulsion towards an affair like that might drive others into the arms of a cult (or even to buy a timeshare or a new wonder drug!)

Rational Justifications for Irrational Behavior

We all need some level of quality attention and strive to meet that need in various ways, but our thirst for it can blind us to the sleazy aspects of the person (or entity) that’s tempting us.  Our emotional drive is so powerful that it will enlist the help of the conscious mind to invent compelling, logical arguments to support what we feel compelled to do.  Jim Jones’ devotees too would certainly have developed a belief system around the cult, and they wholeheartedly believed that they had rational arguments for sticking with it.
It’s easy to say afterwards, “How could I have been so foolish?”  But extreme incidents like the Jonestown massacre demonstrate just how mind-numbingly powerful the drive to meet our basic human needs is.  They can completely overwhelm clear thinking – just as a person dying of thirst in a desert might desperately put an ice-cold bottle of poison to their lips, if it were offered to them.

Weapons of Influence and Manipulation

Famous social psychologist Robert Cialdini conducted a study of how and why people comply (or buy) in business situations, and identified a set of principles which he called the “weapons of influence.”  Although he was looking at business related events and interactions, his principles apply equally well to unsuitable, manipulative relationships of any kind.  And if you look closely, it’s not hard to see the link between Cialdini’s principles and the basic needs I outlined above.
Cialdini’s weapons of influence:

• Reciprocation – “But they’ve done so much for me!”  When you feel indebted to someone, then the law of reciprocation is influencing you.  Jim Jones constantly reminded his devotees of all he and “The People’s Temple” had done for them – how he had “saved them” and how they “owe” themselves to the “temple.”  If someone constantly reminds you how much they are doing or have done for you, they are being manipulative.  It runs all the way from free samples in product marketing/advertising to someone doing an unrequested favor for you just so they can ask you for a favor in return – the aim is to make you feel obligated to reciprocate.  (Read Influence: Psychology of Persuasion.)
• Commitment and consistency – If people publicly commit verbally or in writing to an idea or goal, they are more likely to honor that commitment.  We like to appear consistent and dependable to both ourselves and others (think of the disapproval heaped upon politicians who change their minds).  To suddenly stop following orders or abandon once-deeply-held beliefs can simply feel impossible to many, even in the face of mounting evidence that disproves the belief.
• Social proof – People will do things they see other people doing.  Period.  “A thousand other people can’t be wrong, right?”  or “If everyone else is doing it then it must be OK.”  This kind of thinking is how people get swayed into being “fashion victims” as well as “cult victims.”  And it’s complicated too, because this is not just thoughtless blindness on our part.  Hundreds of years ago, for human beings to survive in a world of predators, we had to form tight-knit social groups and look to others for behavioral cues.  This is still useful up to a point, but the manipulators of the world can easily use this to their advantage.
• Authority – People will tend to obey authority figures, even if they are asked to perform unjust acts.  Authority figures come in many different flavors and facades (and Jim Jones was certainly naturally authoritative).
• Likability – People are more easily persuaded and manipulated by other people whom they like.  But likable people might not do very likable things and that’s the problem.  Cialdini demonstrated that people tend to buy from people they like, or buy things people they like buy.  We also tend to like attractive people.  It’s no coincidence that cult leaders tend to be charismatic, likeable and attractive.  (Read How to Win Friends and Influence People.)
• Scarcity - If something seems scarce, demand for it will increase.  “Limited time offer” or “while supplies last” or “only for the first 100 buyers” are all ways that the scarcity principle is used in marketing.  In manipulative relationships it may be used like this: “You will never meet anyone else like me!”  It’s subtle, but the implication is that I am rare, and therefore more valuable to you.  Jim Jones phrased it like this: “‘The People’s Temple’ is the only place you can be saved” – all cults will have a similar manipulative slogan.

4 Smart Ways to Protect Yourself

To protect yourself from the more excessive and evil manipulations of organizations and individuals, you need to:

1. Be aware that extreme “promise of gain” and “threat of loss” are basic universal tools for manipulating belief and behavior.
2. Understand that if your basic emotional and physical needs are not adequately met, you become more vulnerable to being manipulated by anyone willing to exploit this gap.  Just understanding this can help immunize you against becoming a victim.
3. Observe how Cialdini’s “weapons of influence” operate in everyday life (often in benign ways) and how they are indirectly linked to basic human needs.
4. Stay calm.  Breathe.  A calm mind can perceive the world much more clearly and objectively.

Afterthoughts

Most people and organizations are not actually out to exploit and manipulate others in an evil way, but as the unfortunate followers of Jim Jones discovered back in 1978, when they do, horrifying things can happen.
So… I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  Live by choice, not by chance.  Make changes, not excuses.  Be motivated, not manipulated.  Work to excel, not compete.  Choose to listen to your inner voice, not the jumbled opinions of everyone else.
And if you feel like you’re struggling with a manipulative relationship situation of any kind, know that you are not alone.  Many of us are right there with you, working things out for ourselves.  Stand strong!  Stay inspired!  This is precisely why Angel and I wrote our book, “1,000 Little Things Happy Successful People Do Differently”.  It’s filled with short, concise tips on how to do just that.
The bottom line is that there are manipulative people in this world that will try to mess with your mind, but you can defend yourself.  It’s about arming yourself with awareness.

The floor is yours…

In what way have people tried to manipulate you?
When and how did you realize this?  What did you do about it?
Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.

Photo by: Rebecca Finch | Article source

12 Things Happy People Do Differently

“I’d always believed that a life of quality, enjoyment, and wisdom were my human birthright and would be automatically bestowed upon me as time passed.  I never suspected that I would have to learn how to live - that there were specific disciplines and ways of seeing the world I had to master before I could awaken to a simple, happy, uncomplicated life.”
-Dan Millman

Studies conducted by positivity psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky point to 12 things happy people do differently to increase their levels of happiness.  These are things that we can start doing today to feel the effects of more happiness in our lives.  (Check out her book The How of Happiness.)
I want to honor and discuss each of these 12 points, because no matter what part of life’s path we’re currently traveling on, these ‘happiness habits’ will always be applicable.

1. Express gratitude. – When you appreciate what you have, what you have appreciates in value.  Kinda cool right?  So basically, being grateful for the goodness that is already evident in your life will bring you a deeper sense of happiness.  And that’s without having to go out and buy anything.  It makes sense.  We’re gonna have a hard time ever being happy if we aren’t thankful for what we already have.
2. Cultivate optimism. – Winners have the ability to manufacture their own optimism.  No matter what the situation, the successful diva is the chick who will always find a way to put an optimistic spin on it.  She knows failure only as an opportunity to grow and learn a new lesson from life.  People who think optimistically see the world as a place packed with endless opportunities, especially in trying times.
3. Avoid over-thinking and social comparison. – Comparing yourself to someone else can be poisonous.  If we’re somehow ‘better’ than the person that we’re comparing ourselves to, it gives us an unhealthy sense of superiority.  Our ego inflates – KABOOM – our inner Kanye West comes out!  If we’re ‘worse’ than the person that we’re comparing ourselves to, we usually discredit the hard work that we’ve done and dismiss all the progress that we’ve made.  What I’ve found is that the majority of the time this type of social comparison doesn’t stem from a healthy place.  If you feel called to compare yourself to something, compare yourself to an earlier version of yourself.
4. Practice acts of kindness. – Performing an act of kindness releases serotonin in your brain.  (Serotonin is a substance that has TREMENDOUS health benefits, including making us feel more blissful.)  Selflessly helping someone is a super powerful way to feel good inside.  What’s even cooler about this kindness kick is that not only will you feel better, but so will people watching the act of kindness.  How extraordinary is that?  Bystanders will be blessed with a release of serotonin just by watching what’s going on.  A side note is that the job of most anti-depressants is to release more serotonin.  Move over Pfizer, kindness is kicking ass and taking names.
5. Nurture social relationships. – The happiest people on the planet are the ones who have deep, meaningful relationships.  Did you know studies show that people’s mortality rates are DOUBLED when they’re lonely?  WHOA!  There’s a warm fuzzy feeling that comes from having an active circle of good friends who you can share your experiences with.  We feel connected and a part of something more meaningful than our lonesome existence.
6. Develop strategies for coping. – How you respond to the ‘craptastic’ moments is what shapes your character.  Sometimes crap happens – it’s inevitable.  Forrest Gump knows the deal.  It can be hard to come up with creative solutions in the moment when manure is making its way up toward the fan.  It helps to have healthy strategies for coping pre-rehearsed, on-call, and in your arsenal at your disposal.
7. Learn to forgive. – Harboring feelings of hatred is horrible for your well-being.  You see, your mind doesn’t know the difference between past and present emotion.  When you ‘hate’ someone, and you’re continuously thinking about it, those negative emotions are eating away at your immune system.  You put yourself in a state of suckerism (technical term) and it stays with you throughout your day.
8. Increase flow experiences. – Flow is a state in which it feels like time stands still.  It’s when you’re so focused on what you’re doing that you become one with the task.  Action and awareness are merged.  You’re not hungry, sleepy, or emotional.  You’re just completely engaged in the activity that you’re doing.  Nothing is distracting you or competing for your focus.
9. Savor life’s joys. – Deep happiness cannot exist without slowing down to enjoy the joy.  It’s easy in a world of wild stimuli and omnipresent movement to forget to embrace life’s enjoyable experiences.  When we neglect to appreciate, we rob the moment of its magic.  It’s the simple things in life that can be the most rewarding if we remember to fully experience them.
10. Commit to your goals. – Being wholeheartedly dedicated to doing something comes fully-equipped with an ineffable force.  Magical things start happening when we commit ourselves to doing whatever it takes to get somewhere.  When you’re fully committed to doing something, you have no choice but to do that thing.  Counter-intuitively, having no option – where you can’t change your mind – subconsciously makes humans happier because they know part of their purpose.
11. Practice spirituality. – When we practice spirituality or religion, we recognize that life is bigger than us.  We surrender the silly idea that we are the mightiest thing ever.  It enables us to connect to the source of all creation and embrace a connectedness with everything that exists.  Some of the most accomplished people I know feel that they’re here doing work they’re “called to do.”
12. Take care of your body. – Taking care of your body is crucial to being the happiest person you can be.  If you don’t have your physical energy in good shape, then your mental energy (your focus), your emotional energy (your feelings), and your spiritual energy (your purpose) will all be negatively affected.  Did you know that studies conducted on people who were clinically depressed showed that consistent exercise raises happiness levels just as much as Zoloft?  Not only that, but here’s the double whammy… Six months later, the people who participated in exercise were less likely to relapse because they had a higher sense of self-accomplishment and self-worth.

Photo by: Aurelio Asiain | Article Source

What's in Your Memory Bank Account?

Best-selling author Barbara Berger (with Tim Ray) wrote in her book, The Awakening Human Being: A Guide to the Power of Mind, about the Law of Thoughts Arising. Right off, she's given you a big clue: It's a universal law that thoughts will arise. "Thoughts arise and disappear. This is the first law because it describes an impersonal universal phenomenon which is true for everyone. No one knows why or where thoughts come from or what a thought is, but everyone has thoughts. This is the nature of life on this plane."

Berger goes on to explain that when thoughts arise, it isn't because we're doing anything wrong; thoughts come and go on their own. Isn't that the truth! Have you ever had a song or theme music start playing in your mind for, apparently, no reason? Where did the trigger thought for that music come from, why did it happen, and why that song or tune? And, how long does it take for you to get that recording to stop playing over and over in your mind?

Part of my daily morning practice includes reading the day's message from Ernest Holmes' book, The Science of Mind. I'd already decided what my article would be about this week, but was pleased to receive support through this reading. Holmes stated that everything that has ever happened or will happen leaves an imprint on "the walls of time; and could we walk down their corridors and read the writings," we'd read the history. He likened this to how we can record voices and images, store them away safely, and revisit them, even decades later and still hear or view them. Well, this is exactly what we do: walk the corridors of our memories. And it's not just our personal history involved; it's also our physical, mental, and emotional genetic history.

That's what those pesky negative thoughts are about: Our feelings and mental images, based on our perspectives and interpretations, imprint on our memory cells, like pages printed for books on shelves or paintings created and hung on the walls. Plus, there are genetic imprints on our cells as well. A thought arises and the next thing we know, we're traveling down the corridors of our personal hall of records.

A negative-thought replay was going on for me, and this new thought came to me: Pebbles, Stones, Rocks, Boulders. I carry a lot of positive memories, which I do choose to replay from time to time. But isn't it interesting that positive replays tend to occur more when we deliberately seek them out, rather than arise spontaneously. Negative-thought replays seem to arise far more spontaneously, but maybe that's not really true. Maybe we have them closer to the surface than we realize. Maybe our practice is to go down negative-thought corridors, and we don't realize this is our practice. It happens so fast, who has time to notice why it's happening? And, after all, it's what most people do, isn't it? We call it being logical, or say it's justified. We've made this practice almost a law, by virtue of so many of us doing it so regularly, as though it's the only way to go.

I spoke with someone who's trying to resolve a particular situation. The next steps are obvious, and we discussed them. Yet, every step discussed was met with a comment from the person about why it can't be done or what's impossible. I finally said, "Maybe you need to stop pulling up all the negatives you can imagine. You need to make a decision. The first decision is to get more information, because you're deciding what can't be done rather than discovering what can be done." She agreed that was what she was doing. If all you focus on is what can't be done, how or when the heck will you focus on what might or can be done? Which one will get you to an improved and preferred circumstance first?

Our memories are like bank accounts. You'll find highs and lows there; and where you are with them fluctuates--because thoughts arise. But you can deliberately create more positives that get imprinted and stored in your memory bank account. You can also deliberately--or by default--continue to subtract from it by focusing on negatives. That's what my Pebbles, Stones, Rocks, Boulders thought brought to my attention. I thought about how sometimes we get a pebble in our shoe. Maybe we stop and take it out; maybe we keep walking on it, complaining the whole time to ourselves or someone else.

Stones, rocks, and boulders, of course, won't fit into our shoe; and if they did, we'd certainly stop and get them out right away. But when they are thoughts, which are already memories or become memories as we think them, we'll put them into our shoe ourselves, repeatedly. When such thoughts come up, I've started saying to myself, "Pebbles, stones, rocks, boulders."

I don't need to figure out which category my negative thought fits into; that's just walking the same path with something in my shoe that doesn't benefit me. Saying those four words gets my attention on what I'm doing to myself--and that I can stop doing it. I can treat even the bigger ones like pebbles and remove them from my shoe then get on with creating something positive and feeling appreciation for the good stuff and people in my life, as well as the positive possibilities.

Thoughts arise. You maybe can't break or change the law of this, but you can decide what to do from there. You can decide whether you'll visit your memory bank account and count your negatives or your positives, as well as decide which one you'll put more of into your account. What you put in and what you take out of your memory account is always up to you, and will reflect the inner life you experience, which then influences the outer life you live. You can choose to make your memory bank account work against you or for you. Choose for you. It's a good practice, one you'll appreciate.
Practice makes progress.

Joyce L Shafer is a Life Empowerment Coach dedicated to helping people feel, be, and live their true inner power. She's author of "I Don't Want to be Your Guru" and other books/ebooks, and publishes a free weekly online newsletter that offers empowering articles. See all that's offered by Joyce and on her site at http://stateofappreciation.weebly.com/guest-articles.html#.UPGKUB3BGSo

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