4 Ways to Protect Yourself From Emotional Manipulation

“Anything is better than lies and deceit!”
―Leo Tolstoy

How could anyone fall for that?  How could I have been so foolish?  Why do they believe such lies?  How could we have been conned like that?

There are emotionally manipulative people of varying degrees all around us.  When we are young we like to think that we are immune to the psychological pressures that confuse, manipulate and condition other people.  We are not so gullible, are we?  But part of truly maturing as an individual involves understanding how you too are led by the environment, influenced by others, and driven by the needs you have as a human being.

Human beings can be manipulated precisely because we share innate psychological characteristics that render us ALL susceptible, to a point.  Although, like any other weakness, some people are naturally more prone to succumb, while others have higher levels of immunity to the external pressures that can make us do things we would normally never think of doing.

But assuming that we are already “immune” is naive and the surest path to being a victim of manipulation.  Let me give you a powerful example:

Emotionally Manipulated to Death

The day is November 18, 1978, and you’re in Guyana.  There you stand in the middle of Jonestown, a loyal member of Jim Jones’ cult known as “The People’s Temple”.  He commands you to drink a cup of poisonous, cyanide-laced Kool-Aid and take your own life.
What do you do?
Well of course you don’t do it, right?  Who is Jim Jones, or anyone for that matter, to tell you to end it all?  You are not a robot that can be ordered to kill yourself against your own will!  But an astounding 907 people simply followed his orders and died that fateful day.  And many of these people poisoned their children before they took their own lives.  People who wanted to live and wanted their children and spouses to live.
Why did these people do this?  Why did men and women, many college educated, allow themselves to be abused and brainwashed by this man?  Why did they agree to sell their homes and give all their possessions and money to “The People’s Temple” – an obvious cult?
Were these people of abnormally low intelligence?  Were they clinically insane?  Or was Jim Jones a highly skilled manipulator of human emotions?  Did he know exactly how to push a human being’s “buttons,” and string them along even to the extent that they would poison their own children before ending their own lives?
Either way, that was just “Jonestown”, right?  It was an isolated event.
Wrong!  “Jonestown” has happened numerous times throughout history – and it will happen again.  I bet you can think of other examples where people were willingly driven to their own demise.  It may not be “Jonestown” – it may go by a different name, but we see the same exact psychological mechanisms of manipulation in play.  Understanding these mechanisms can help immunize you not just to the grosser psychological manipulations of a wicked cult leader, but also to the more subtle psychological conditioning that we all encounter as part of everyday life.

We All Have Basic Human Needs

Jim Jones was a master of deceiving people by appearing to give them what they needed.  And this is the crucial point to grasp.  We all have innate human needs.  If your fundamental psychological needs as a human being are not being adequately met, then, unless you understand precisely what’s happening and respond appropriately, you will be motivated to latch on to any source that appears to satisfy these needs.
Some of your basic human needs include:

• The security of a safe environment in which to grow.
• A sense of autonomy and control of your life.
• A sense of self-worth earned through creative problem solving and the achievement of personal goals.
• Being part of a broader, likeminded community.
• A sense of status within social groupings (which includes feeling important or respected in some way).
• Being emotionally connected to certain people (family, friends, etc.).
• Meaning and purpose arising from being able to make a difference.

Again, if any of these basic needs are not sufficiently met in your life, you will feel inexplicably attracted to anyone or anything that promises to supply what is lacking.  The awareness that this is happening can save you an incredible amount of trouble.
Many of Jim Jones’ devotees were drawn from a pool of disgruntled people who were not leading satisfying lives or meeting their basic needs in healthy ways.  People facing uncertain times or uncertain futures, people with low self-esteem and negative self-images, and so forth.  Jones held out the promise of certainty, social acceptance, community, self-respect, purpose and feelings of security inside his “temple.”  And there must have been some really deep seeded beliefs instilled in these people, because eventually they followed Jones, like some new-age Pied Piper, into oblivion.

Universal Applicability and Susceptibility

It’s rather easy to see that if your needs are not being adequately met in a healthy way, and someone or something comes along that promises to supply all of your needs in one convenient package, then that can seem pretty irresistible.
If you disagree, think about this: On a more conventional level, consider how many people feeling neglected in a marriage have a careless affair with someone because it was “so nice to be listened to, flattered, romanced, etc.”  The very same unconscious propulsion towards an affair like that might drive others into the arms of a cult (or even to buy a timeshare or a new wonder drug!)

Rational Justifications for Irrational Behavior

We all need some level of quality attention and strive to meet that need in various ways, but our thirst for it can blind us to the sleazy aspects of the person (or entity) that’s tempting us.  Our emotional drive is so powerful that it will enlist the help of the conscious mind to invent compelling, logical arguments to support what we feel compelled to do.  Jim Jones’ devotees too would certainly have developed a belief system around the cult, and they wholeheartedly believed that they had rational arguments for sticking with it.
It’s easy to say afterwards, “How could I have been so foolish?”  But extreme incidents like the Jonestown massacre demonstrate just how mind-numbingly powerful the drive to meet our basic human needs is.  They can completely overwhelm clear thinking – just as a person dying of thirst in a desert might desperately put an ice-cold bottle of poison to their lips, if it were offered to them.

Weapons of Influence and Manipulation

Famous social psychologist Robert Cialdini conducted a study of how and why people comply (or buy) in business situations, and identified a set of principles which he called the “weapons of influence.”  Although he was looking at business related events and interactions, his principles apply equally well to unsuitable, manipulative relationships of any kind.  And if you look closely, it’s not hard to see the link between Cialdini’s principles and the basic needs I outlined above.
Cialdini’s weapons of influence:

• Reciprocation – “But they’ve done so much for me!”  When you feel indebted to someone, then the law of reciprocation is influencing you.  Jim Jones constantly reminded his devotees of all he and “The People’s Temple” had done for them – how he had “saved them” and how they “owe” themselves to the “temple.”  If someone constantly reminds you how much they are doing or have done for you, they are being manipulative.  It runs all the way from free samples in product marketing/advertising to someone doing an unrequested favor for you just so they can ask you for a favor in return – the aim is to make you feel obligated to reciprocate.  (Read Influence: Psychology of Persuasion.)
• Commitment and consistency – If people publicly commit verbally or in writing to an idea or goal, they are more likely to honor that commitment.  We like to appear consistent and dependable to both ourselves and others (think of the disapproval heaped upon politicians who change their minds).  To suddenly stop following orders or abandon once-deeply-held beliefs can simply feel impossible to many, even in the face of mounting evidence that disproves the belief.
• Social proof – People will do things they see other people doing.  Period.  “A thousand other people can’t be wrong, right?”  or “If everyone else is doing it then it must be OK.”  This kind of thinking is how people get swayed into being “fashion victims” as well as “cult victims.”  And it’s complicated too, because this is not just thoughtless blindness on our part.  Hundreds of years ago, for human beings to survive in a world of predators, we had to form tight-knit social groups and look to others for behavioral cues.  This is still useful up to a point, but the manipulators of the world can easily use this to their advantage.
• Authority – People will tend to obey authority figures, even if they are asked to perform unjust acts.  Authority figures come in many different flavors and facades (and Jim Jones was certainly naturally authoritative).
• Likability – People are more easily persuaded and manipulated by other people whom they like.  But likable people might not do very likable things and that’s the problem.  Cialdini demonstrated that people tend to buy from people they like, or buy things people they like buy.  We also tend to like attractive people.  It’s no coincidence that cult leaders tend to be charismatic, likeable and attractive.  (Read How to Win Friends and Influence People.)
• Scarcity - If something seems scarce, demand for it will increase.  “Limited time offer” or “while supplies last” or “only for the first 100 buyers” are all ways that the scarcity principle is used in marketing.  In manipulative relationships it may be used like this: “You will never meet anyone else like me!”  It’s subtle, but the implication is that I am rare, and therefore more valuable to you.  Jim Jones phrased it like this: “‘The People’s Temple’ is the only place you can be saved” – all cults will have a similar manipulative slogan.

4 Smart Ways to Protect Yourself

To protect yourself from the more excessive and evil manipulations of organizations and individuals, you need to:

1. Be aware that extreme “promise of gain” and “threat of loss” are basic universal tools for manipulating belief and behavior.
2. Understand that if your basic emotional and physical needs are not adequately met, you become more vulnerable to being manipulated by anyone willing to exploit this gap.  Just understanding this can help immunize you against becoming a victim.
3. Observe how Cialdini’s “weapons of influence” operate in everyday life (often in benign ways) and how they are indirectly linked to basic human needs.
4. Stay calm.  Breathe.  A calm mind can perceive the world much more clearly and objectively.

Afterthoughts

Most people and organizations are not actually out to exploit and manipulate others in an evil way, but as the unfortunate followers of Jim Jones discovered back in 1978, when they do, horrifying things can happen.
So… I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  Live by choice, not by chance.  Make changes, not excuses.  Be motivated, not manipulated.  Work to excel, not compete.  Choose to listen to your inner voice, not the jumbled opinions of everyone else.
And if you feel like you’re struggling with a manipulative relationship situation of any kind, know that you are not alone.  Many of us are right there with you, working things out for ourselves.  Stand strong!  Stay inspired!  This is precisely why Angel and I wrote our book, “1,000 Little Things Happy Successful People Do Differently”.  It’s filled with short, concise tips on how to do just that.
The bottom line is that there are manipulative people in this world that will try to mess with your mind, but you can defend yourself.  It’s about arming yourself with awareness.

The floor is yours…

In what way have people tried to manipulate you?
When and how did you realize this?  What did you do about it?
Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.

Photo by: Rebecca Finch | Article source

10 Toxic Habits that Drain Your Energy

It’s time to break the habits that have been holding you back.  Respect yourself enough to let go of the mindsets and routines that have been sucking you dry.

Bear with me for a moment.  You know when you’re driving to an unfamiliar place, blasting the radio while simultaneously watching your GPS spit out directions?  Then you suddenly get to that one part of the route that’s ridiculously confusing, so you lower the volume even though it has no direct impact on the way you read the directions?

That is your life.  The radio noise you need to cut out to concentrate?  That is the needless, energy-sucking noise in your head.

Turning down the radio in the car re-energizes your mind and offers you clarity when you need it most.  You don’t really think about how or why this makes such a huge difference, you just know that it does.

Now it’s time to apply this same principle to all the other noise in your life, starting with the noise in your head.

But how?

The first step is to eliminate toxic, energy-sucking habits that support this noise.  With over ten years of experience as life coaches behind us, here are ten such habits Angel and I have seen thousands of people struggle with, again and again:

1. Pretending like everything is OK when it isn’t. – Do you feel overwhelmed?  Do you feel like giving up?  There’s honestly no shame in it.  You are not a robot; and even if you were, you’d still need to stop for maintenance sometimes.  There’s no shame in admitting to yourself that you feel exhausted, doubtful, and low.  This is a natural part of being human.  The simple fact that you are aware of this means you are able to turn things around.  It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there’s no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
2. Letting pain from the past devastate the present. – I am stronger because of the hard times, wiser because of my mistakes, and happier because I have known sadness.  The same is true for you.  Every difficult conversation you have had included someone who was teaching you something about yourself.  Every trying situation contains an opportunity for deeper self-reflection and learning.  Every irritant, heartbreak, frustration, disappointment, and fearful moment is a teacher.  Remember, nothing is as bad as it seems.  Nothing.  There’s a benefit and a blessing hidden in the folds of every experience and every outcome.  So don’t you dare give up on today because of the way things looked yesterday.  Don’t even think about it.  Every day is a new day to try again.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)
3. Believing that your best days are either in front of you or behind you. – You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape one day, and how incredible it will be, and imagining that pristine future keeps you going, but you never do it.  You just use the future to escape the present.  This is precisely what keeps so many of us stressed and unhappy.  The flipside is true as well – obsessing about the past.  What you need to accept is that there are only two days in the year that nothing can be done.  One is yesterday and the other is tomorrow.  So today, this moment, is the right time to love, to laugh, to work and to live boldly.  Yes, this moment needs your undivided attention, for this is the only time and place you are truly alive.
4. Trying to hold on to who you were before one of life’s storms. – Hard times are like strong storms that blow against you.  And it’s not just that these storms hold you back from places you might otherwise go.  They also tear away from you all but the essential parts of your ego that cannot be torn, so that afterward you see yourself as you really are, and not merely as you might like to be.  This is a great thing.  It may seem impossible now, but one day you will look back at the storms you have weathered and give a silent thank you.  For many of us, it is the storms of our lives that have given us compassion, kindness, and gentleness that we otherwise may not have known – and that we can now give away to others, because these qualities are inside of us.  (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
5. Resisting change and growth. – You must consistently check with yourself and ask: “Am I committed to feeling good, or am I committed to growing?”  Because growth does not always feel good, and feeling good does not always provide growth.  Neither is wrong, as long as there is balance.  The important thing is to remember that being uncomfortable is important too, and this discomfort often arrives right on time.  Don’t avoid it – embrace it.  Channel your energy into progress.  All growth begins at the end of your comfort zone.  When you’re feeling uncomfortable, know that the change taking place in your life is a beginning, not an ending.
6. Worrying and worrying and worrying and never taking action. – Worry is the biggest enemy of the present moment.  It does nothing but steal your joy and keep you very busy doing absolutely nothing at all.  It’s like using your imagination to create things you don’t want.  Break this negative habit!  It is far better to be exhausted from effort than to be tired of doing nothing but worrying.  Don’t waste your effort avoiding effort.  Go ahead and get it done.  Today, ask yourself what is really important and then have the courage to build your day around your answer.
7. Sacrificing all of your Self for everyone else. – Don’t sacrifice yourself too much, because if you do, there will be very little left that you can give to anyone, even those you love dearly.  Whenever you feel trapped and it’s difficult to breathe, let me remind you – don’t forget to secure your own oxygen mask first.  Taking care of yourself does not make you selfish; it makes you selfless.  In fact, it’s the truest form of selflessness one can experience.  Only through attentive self-care can you care for others.  In order to truly have a loving, supportive relationship with someone else, you need to learn how to be your own best friend first.  It’s all about falling in love with yourself first and sharing that love with others who appreciate you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit.
8. Taking everything personally. – There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.  And rarely do people do things because of you anyway.  They do things because of them.  So even when it seems personal, it probably isn’t.  Remember this.  And when you find yourself feeling angry, heartbroken, or victimized by the actions of another, see if you can you find within you any seed of softness, some place deep within that understands how much pain that person must be in, how burdened their soul must be, how devastatingly hardened they must be in their heart in order to behave in a way that is surely out of alignment with their own integrity.  (Read The Four Agreements.)
9. Letting negative thoughts get the best of you. – Don’t believe everything you hear – even in your own mind.  Choose to be miserable and you’ll find plenty of reasons to be miserable.  Choose to be happy you’ll find plenty of reasons to be happy.  It is this simple 99% of the time.   Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction.  Break this negative habit.  Talk about your joys, your loves, and your dreams instead.  Be outrageously and unreasonably positive.  Be funny and creative and ridiculous and joyful all at the same time.  It’ll make you feel better.
10. Refusing to let go a little and open up to uncertainty. – True happiness takes courage.  I’m talking the vulnerable, put yourself out there and risk looking like a fool sort of courage.  It’s not easy, to push the limits of your vulnerability, to dig deeper and deeper into the core of who you are as an individual and not only love and accept the imperfect parts of yourself, but also expose them to others.  You’ve got to be willing to break free from the norm, appear uncool and stop caring so much about what everyone thinks.  It’s about taking a stand.  In fact, we’ve ALL got to take the time to slow down, to break away from the crazy pace in life and take a minute to sit and stare at the sky without checking for the next text, watch the sunset without uploading it to Instagram, and just free ourselves to be ourselves.  We’ve got to shelve our egos and say “yes” to the present moment, to love, to opening ourselves up to being hurt beyond hurt again, and above all, to saying “yes” to taking chances.

The floor is yours…

If you can relate to any of these toxic habits, remember, you are not alone.  We all get caught up in our own heads sometimes, doing things that hold us back from our true potential.  The key is awareness – recognizing these habits and changing them.

So, what’s one toxic habit or thinking pattern that sometimes drains your energy?  How do you cope?  Leave a comment below and share your insight with us.

Article source | Photo by: Lauren Rushing

Keeping Focus of Long-Term Goals and Avoiding Procrastination

Many individuals fail to accomplish their long-term goals mainly because their interest simply wanes in the long run. Their focus shifts and their enthusiasm fades away as other more urgent issues come along the way. Long-term goals seem to become either less important or unrealistic as time goes by. In most cases, the main culprit for the fading impetus is usually procrastination.

Avoid distractions

Procrastination results to the piling up of tasks, making it highly stressful and overwhelming to accomplish goals. Case in point is a real estate agent who might procrastinate in making follow ups of prospective clients. The required monthly or quarterly sales quota may not be met as a result of the procrastination.

Meeting quarterly sales quotas, saving fixed amount of money per month, submitting research papers on time and losing weight are some examples of short-term goals that lead to accomplishing long-term goals. Financial stability, earning a college degree and life-long health are the corresponding long-term goals. The short-term goals or objectives serve as the baby steps in ultimately accomplishing the more difficult long-term goals.

Individuals will be unable to focus on lifetime goals if they cannot resist the urge to procrastinate. Distractions are everywhere and sometime are very appealing. For instance, a student reviewing for an important exam may be distracted to go on a date or party all night. Peer pressure, pleasurable prospects, laziness, and stress are some of the most common sources of distractions.

Anticipate obstacles

Any worthwhile goal will always need effort and investment of resources. Worthwhile long-term goals are particularly difficult to accomplish because there are many factors to consider. Obstacles will be present along the way. Although not all obstacles or contingencies can be clearly anticipated, it is very crucial to anticipate challenges that may appear.

Anticipating obstacles will allow room for better preparation and adjustments. One cannot easily be caught off-guard or overwhelmed by problems if there are contingency plans in place. For example, a fruit stand owner must anticipate the price fluctuations and seasonal or climate-related changes that may affect the supply of fruits.

Visualize success

Sustaining motivation and keeping focus on the long-term goals may seem daunting without the prospect of success. Visualizing success is crucial in sustaining the drive. People who are not very confident that they will succeed are less likely to accomplish their dreams.

Visualizing success will allow individuals to be highly specific about their goals. It will help them gain confidence and insights on what steps to take. It is about formulating a directed action plan that is centered on the goals.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/7361720

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